It's June

Tired.

If I could use just one word to describe how I’m feeling right now, that would be it. I feel tired. Physically and emotionally tired.

I feel like life is catching up to me. Being away from family. Dealing with a different, sometimes difficult, culture and language. Tricia’s health an ever-present thought lingering in my mind. The school year coming to a close. COVID-19. And now, the killing of George Floyd and its aftermath. It’s a lot. And I’m tired.

Earlier in the year, this was the plan. Sammie, Casey and Grace would spend much of May and June living with me, traveling with me. We’d be having a blast together. The Champion’s League pro football tournament followed by the Euros would be taking place. Bayern München and the German national team would have likely been a big factor in both – not to mention both tournaments would have included matches played in Munich. Along with lots of travel in May and June, I’d be ending the school year on a positive note, wrapping things up, saying my last goodbyes to students and teachers. Frühlingsfest, a Bavarian spring beer drinking and folk festival, would have taken place in May with plenty of biergarten fun in the weeks after that. Then, to cap things off, I was to go to Tokyo at the end of July to take in the Games of the XXXII Olympiad.

I know – boo hoo, get over it – I hear ya. Our lives have all been interrupted by the Coronavirus and now by the police-inspired unrest in the States. For many of us, that “interruption” has been far, far worse than it has been for me. Some have died, or seen their loved ones die in front of them. Some have lost jobs. Some have worked tirelessly in hospitals to save the lives of neighbors. Some have been victims of racism, hatred and violence. My grief is small potatoes. I totally understand that. I sit here in beautiful, peaceful Bavaria, thousands of miles from the protests and riots and violence back home. But I feel it. Believe me when I tell you that. I feel it because it’s all I see on TV, on my Twitter feed, on Facebook. I feel it because my family and friends are scared and upset and angry. I feel it because I know those Minneapolis neighborhoods I’m seeing every day getting ripped apart. I feel it. And I’m tired.

As life got all twisted up after the Coronavirus lockdowns, my plans changed. Visits by friends and family got shelved. Events in Munich and throughout Europe got cancelled. The Olympics – postponed. So I set my sights on new plans. Travel throughout Germany on the weekends in May and June. See as much of this beautiful country as I could, and maybe make plans to travel a bit throughout Europe in July if and when borders became reopened.

I’ve done the traveling in Germany, and it’s been great. This country continues to amaze and inspire me. But as I ride a train south from Rothenburg back to Starnberg, I can’t get over that one feeling. I’m tired. I’m ready for school, and classrooms halfway filled with masked-up kids I can’t get close to, to be over. I’m ready to move out of my apartment and take care of all of the business of leaving Germany. I’m ready to be home. As much as I love this place and the people I've grown close to, and as much as I'm going to cherish the next several weeks, I'm ready to be home. Back where life is easier, where I can hug people again, where I can lay in bed at night next to Tricia, where I can be in solidarity with Minneapolis mourners, where I can begin to think and plan for what’s next in my life and in the lives of my loved ones.

So, for the travels in Europe in July once school is over? I just don’t know. Last week if you’d have asked me, I would have said, “For sure. Of course. Can’t wait.” But now, I just don't know if I have it in me. I’m not sure if it’s the George Floyd situation that has caused this change of heart, or Corona, or just the months of chaos and turmoil that have led up to today. I’m not sure. But the thought of travel, something that would be exhausting in its own right, compared with the thought of going back to St. Louis Park as soon as school is over has me feeling uncertain.

This weekend, was, however, good for my soul. Amidst the news reports from back home, I was able to find some peace and happiness in the Bavarian cities of Nürnberg and Rothenburg - cities with stunning and impressive histories. Nürnberg holds the claim as one of Europe’s most important cities during the Holy Roman Empire, the site of Hitler’s largest Nazi party rallies prior to WWII, and the post-war trials that established many of today’s wartime laws and that saw the conviction and execution of many Nazi officials. Rothenburg is Germany’s best-preserved Medieval city, having been an important and wealthy trading center during the Middle Ages, and still maintaining almost all of its fortified wall, towers, buildings and churches.

My pace was a slow one this weekend. I was traveling alone, which afforded me the chance to linger – to take time at special sites and monuments, to sit on a bench, to grab a beer, to take things in. I’ve traveled alone while here. I’ve traveled with others. I really like both. Being alone allows me to do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it, and for how long I like. But being with others makes the memories more special and makes an evening dinner after a long day of sightseeing more enjoyable. I wouldn’t trade one experience for the other. Both scratch an itch, and both fill me up.

I will say, however, that the biggest void throughout these experiences is Tricia. We’ve done so much traveling together through the years, be it in Europe or throughout the States. We jive. In so many ways. But one of the biggest ways we jive is through travel. She can’t read a map worth a lick. On the streets, I can’t figure out left from right, south from north. She drives. I navigate. She gives me space to be the major planner. I appreciate her spirit of “go with the flow.” I read boring descriptions of historical landmarks. She listens. I miss her. A lot. Not a day of traveling has passed – not an hour really – when I haven’t wished she was with me. I have always been the type to enjoy alone time, but in Tricia’s absence, I have grown empathetic with those out there who are single. Those out there who don’t have a loved one – a soulmate – with whom to share their experiences. Day to day, for the short-term, I’ve grown somewhat accustomed to the routines and rituals of being on my own, but in traveling, I want Tricia by my side.

As I stare out my window – masked from nose to chin – at the rolling hills, the green fields and the happy cyclists pedaling by, I feel blessed. And grateful. But…tired. I'm really going to miss those of you who are reading this from Munich. And I'm really looking forward to seeing the rest of you sometime soon. Let's all stick together and love one another and try to heal together over the next several months.

Okay. That's it. Now time for a nap.